just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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