she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
