You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
