How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
