Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
