Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
