Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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