My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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