its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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