When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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