I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
