My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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