I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
is it fun? or sober?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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