Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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