remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
