Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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