Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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