Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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