Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
