Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
