he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
