nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
