There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
