Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
As shirtless as possible
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
