..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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