i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
