If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
