I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
