I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
