I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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