whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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