I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
