I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
