Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
