this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
