when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
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You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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