I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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