If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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