you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
