i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
