I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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