matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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