I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
