She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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