I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
