It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize