Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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