the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
