Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
is wine microwaveable?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
