During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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