i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
