trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
