Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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