The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
