No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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