I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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