fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I did not marry a roomba.
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