is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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