I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
