i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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