This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Randomize
