Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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