the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
