I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
