a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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